The Killing of My Ego

In continuation to my study of Carl Jung and his idea of the feminine, I am enthralled at finding the section on 'the killing of ego'. A much-debated section where Jung seems to have left the worldly understanding of social norms and gone on to elucidate the need of certain 'deaths' in order to better connect with the sense of Self. Theoretically, that makes sense but as many of his followers have reflected, mainly female Jungians, the terminology 'killing of ego' instead of heightened sense of consciousness, can be detrimental to women. It may quite easily be mistaken as the need to erase a sense of Self as we have accrued, without considering the factors (social, political and cultural) and how we may have overcome some or all of them. My thoughts almost instantly veered towards the 'black sheep' women, the ones who have almost always chosen a path separate from what society laid before them. Such an injustice to ask them to erase their acquired sense of Self or pride in being 'different'! 

Sitting at one of the most idyllic seats in the second floor of the library today, I think about my own sense of the Self. Among the key facets of my own identity emerge from a deep self-loathing, from the need to validate my existence (which Jung writes extensively on in his understanding of the feminine). Indeed the reference of 'father's daughters' is not lost on me at all. If anything I am a personification of the same. Having loved and validated my father's influence of me as a 'good man' despite his human flaws, I have indeed spent much time seeking the same validation from several other men (partners, bosses, etc) allowing them such control over my sense of Self. 

It also builds well into the phenomenon of the continual void when the validating 'father figure' leaves from my life. The concentric circles of blanks between the circles of validation - whatever was sent my way - is perhaps among the trickiest sections to explore in my psyche. A feature shared by several women of my generation, in particular my community. The resulting frequent bouts of self-doubt, loathing, fear of rejection, preference of a solitary existence where my failures do not affect other people's 'normal' lives - these are essentials to my sense of Self. Unfortunately, Jung doesn't seem to factor in these nitty-grittier and I don't grudge him for his work has paved the way for a deeper conversation and realisation of all these factors and others missed.